


Relief is a Heady Thing

by breerann



Category: Embassy Row Series - Ally Carter
Genre: F/M, Fluff, POV First Person, Present Tense, a little bit of angst because if it's possible to write grace without any angst it's beyond my power
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 13:06:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7362577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breerann/pseuds/breerann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Grace samples a new kind of leaping before looking.<br/>Alternately, in which Alexei tries to be responsible but doesn't quite succeed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relief is a Heady Thing

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read See How They Run there will be spoilers and also parts of it might not make sense.

An army cadet whose name I can’t remember has taken us to a nearby apartment where we can stay while Jamie is at the medical center. It was Dominic’s idea, insisting that Alexei and I need sleep, even though he, apparently, doesn’t. I argued, and I might have argued more if not for the fact that I’ve been on the verge of tears since first getting onto the helicopter that brought us to Germany. But I am on the verge of tears, and if I’m going to cry, I’d rather do that in private. I know Alexei is exhausted, because he doesn’t even make it to one of the bedrooms, he just collapses onto the couch. He doesn’t have the energy to properly worry about me, like I’m expecting, or even take off his shoes. All he does is mumble, “You should try to sleep, Gracie,” before he turns onto his side, face to the back of the couch.

It’s easy for him to say and, as I listen to his breathing become slow and even, I realize it’s also easy for him to do. I can’t. I don’t know why, but I feel like, if I fall asleep, something will go wrong. Jamie will die, or whoever wants to kill my family because I’m some lost princess will find me, or the police will come for Alexei and drag him back to Adria in chains. So I strip off my cardigan because the ac is up too high and it’s cold in the apartment, and I sit in a corner of the room where I can see the door. I feel like I’m keeping guard, but I still don’t know what I’m guarding against. The boogeyman still doesn’t have a name, the shadows are still faceless, and that’s what scares me the most.

I draw my knees up to my chest, circle them with my arms, and stare at the door without really looking at it. I’m waiting for the tears to come, but, of course, they don’t. I’m all out of tears. Whatever moisture is gathering behind my eyes is just an instinctive reaction to tragedy, a remnant of when I wasn’t broken and my mother was still alive. Not for the first time, I wish that I could cry. I wish that I had access to this very human release for all of the emotions raging inside me, but I don’t. So the pressure builds, and builds, and fries my brain.

I don’t know how long I sit in the corner. It must be hours, because I’ve dozed off in spite of myself and weak sunlight is starting to filter around the curtains when the sound of a phone ringing brings me back to full wakefulness. For a minute, I don’t know where I am. These bare walls are no part of the US embassy, and their ghostly echo of all of the military bases I’ve ever lived on don’t help. They make it worse because I don’t remember how I got here but I do remember that I am not supposed to be with my dad.

The ringtone invades my awareness again and I don’t recognize it. My adrenaline spikes. I am in unfamiliar territory and now is not the time to fall apart, now is the time to think, move, remember, but I can’t. My brain is just stuck in a rut of _wrong, wrong, wrong_ that’s escalating in urgency as my hands start to shake and I feel something that is too much like a corset squeeze around my chest. I am losing air. I know that soon I will be rocking, soon I will need a paper bag, and I hate it. Now is not the time to fall apart but my body doesn’t care because all I can think about is I don’t know where I am but I know it’s not where I’m supposed to be and it’s wrong.

It doesn’t take long for the ringing to wake Alexei, too, and he stirs and staggers to his feet, catching my attention and pulling my out of my panic. The squeezing around my chest starts to go away and breath returns to my lungs because I’m safe with Alexei. I believe it, even if I know it’s not necessarily true.

He pulls the phone Dominic gave him in the helicopter out of his pocket and looks at it for a moment, confused, before he remembers where we are and why we’re here and then he’s answering it in a voice rough with sleep. “Hello?”

In a rush I also remember where we are and why we are here. I stumble to Alexei’s side and grip his arm with both hands, pulling the phone towards me as he puts it on speakerphone. “Dominic?”

“Hello, Grace Olivia.” Dominic’s voice comes in clearly through the phone.

“How’s Jamie?” Alexei beats me to the question we both want answered.

“He went into surgery a few hours ago-“ Dominic begins.

“And you didn’t tell us!?” Alexei puts a hand over my mouth, stifling my outrage.

“The doctor just came out.” Dominic continues talking like I didn’t even interrupt him. “She said he’s out of the woods, and after he’s done in recovery they’ll move him from the ICU.”

“When can we see him?” Alexei still hasn’t taken his hand from my mouth, so he continues asking the questions.

“The doctor says he will need rest after the surgery. They gave him a sedative; he should wake up in another couple hours. So you can get a few more hours of rest and then I’ll come and get you when he’s ready for visitors.” Dominic hangs up without saying anything else and without giving me any chance to argue, but I’m too relieved to object.

As Alexei pockets the phone, I throw my arms around his neck with a gleeful squeal. “He’s going to be okay! Jamie’s going to be okay. And we got you out of Adria, and-“

“And everything is going to be okay, just like I’ve been telling you.” Alexei smiles at me, and his eyes are laughing at me but it’s not a cruel laugh and I know he’s just as relieved as I am.

Relief is a heady thing, and that combined with the lack of sleep and Aexei’s arms around my waist makes me a little stupid. I am no stranger to recklessness, and thinking first is definitely not one of my strengths, but in the past my impulsiveness has tended more towards jumping off walls, or sneaking into foreign embassies, and not kissing my brother’s best friend. Which is what I do now.

I thread my fingers through Alexei’s hair and he is too close and he is not close enough. Just once, I wish something in my life could be simple. I wish that something could be Alexei. As he wraps his arms tighter around me and pulls me closer I realize this might be something we’ve both wanted for a while now, maybe even longer than this summer.

The last time I was in Adria with my mother, I was twelve. I guess she’d thought I would have outgrown my desire to play with the boys, because she asked me if it was Jamie I was chasing after, or Alexei. I’d told her not to be gross. Of course I didn’t like Alexei. He was dumb, and he was mean to me. I’d known that wasn’t true, and Mom told me as much, but I still insisted I didn’t have a crush on Alexei. I’d believed it, at the time, but I’ve believed a lot of things that turned out to not actually be true.

It’s ultimately Alexei who breaks the kiss. If it had been up to me, it never would have ended, but Alexei’s the sensible one, not me. I’m the selfish one, so for a moment I keep my eyes shut because if I keep my eyes shut I can pretend. I can pretend I am not a secret, lost princess and no one wants to kill me. I can pretend Alexei is not a fugitive. Most importantly, I can pretend Alexei is mine, just mine, and not Jamie’s best friend.

“Gracie,” Alexei’s tone is gentle, almost painfully so, but he hasn’t been awake long and his voice is still rough, his accent thick. It’s a combination that makes my skin prickle, even though I tell it not to. I can tell he’s going to say something else, but I’m not exactly sure what I’m expecting. A declaration of love? Compliments on my kissing technique? Probably something along the lines of _we shouldn’t have done that_. Whatever it is that I’m expecting, it’s not what comes next. “Did you get any sleep?”

“Are you seriously trying to brother me right now?” I laugh a little. I’m teasing, mostly, but there’s also some genuine indignation in my voice.

“I should not have kissed you.” He unwraps his arms from around my waist and removes mine from his shoulders, taking a step back. He holds me at arms length like he doesn’t trust me to come any closer, or maybe he doesn’t trust himself.

“Why not?” I ask, my irritation growing, though Alexei doesn’t seem to notice.

“Because, you are Jamie’s sister.” He starts, and then winces and rubs his face like he knows he’s said the wrong thing.

And he has. He still has one hand on my shoulder, but I pull out of his hold to take a step back of my own. “So that is all that I am to you. Just your best friend Jamie’s kid sister who you got stuck babysitting.” Now I really am mad, because that’s not what he said before. He’d told me he cared about me, or at least he’d made it sound like he did, and now he’s backpedaling.

“Of course not.” Alexei is getting irritated, too, but I don’t care.

“Then what is it? What’s so wrong about you kissing me?” I demand to know, fighting to keep my voice even as a lump starts to work its way up into my throat. I tell myself that I will not cry, not because of this, not now, not in front of Alexei. I remind myself that I’m all out of tears. There aren’t any left, and even if there are, they’re for Jamie, just Jamie.

“I took advantage of you.” Alexei doesn’t meet my gaze and his voice is heavy with shame, and I realize that he actually believes what he’s saying. He actually thinks that kissing me back, when I kissed him first, is somehow him taking advantage of me.

So I don’t tease. I don’t joke. I even try not to sound too angry, even though I definitely am. “How?”

“Because, you are not thinking clearly. You’re emotional, you’re tired-“

I’m used to people looking at me and seeing the Crazy Girl. I’m used to it. Plenty of people in my life see me as nothing more than a fragile little kid who can’t tell fantasy from reality, who walks through waking nightmares. Jamie, Ms. Chancellor, my grandfather, they all think I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat enough, I can’t be trusted. Even I don’t trust myself half the time, most of the time. I’m used to it, I say firmly myself. But I’m not used to it from Alexei.

Alexei, who found me when I was huddled on a sidewalk in a wrecked pink princess dress and carried me home. Alexei, who pulled me out of Iran. Alexei, who held my hand when I broke my leg in Canada. Alexei, who has seen me at my lowest, at my most stupid and reckless, but somehow has never looked at me and seen the Crazy Girl. When Alexei looks at me he sees someone who needs protecting, but not from herself. This is different. Now he’s talking to me like maybe I do need protection from myself, like all I am is a broken child that needs fixing, like I’m the Crazy Girl.

“Fine!” I cut him off, throwing my hands in the air. I want to run but I know that if I do he’ll only follow, so instead I hide. “Fine, I’m not thinking clearly. I’m tired.” I throw the words back in his face like a verbal punch and in that moment I hope they hurt him as much as they hurt me. “I’ll go take a nap, will that make you happy?”

It’s a rhetorical question and I don’t wait for an answer before I turn on my heel and stalk to the nearest door, throwing it open. Luckily, it’s a door that leads to a bedroom, and not a bathroom, or a closet. Having to try multiple doors would have put a damper on my dramatic exit. I slam the door behind me and throw myself onto the bed, stopping just short of screaming into a pillow because I don’t want Alexei to hear. I don’t want him to know that he’s actually hurt me. I don’t want him to know that he can hurt me, that he has that power over me, because it’s bad enough being weak and vulnerable without people knowing you are. A small part of me doesn’t want him to hear because I know that it would hurt him, knowing that he’s hurt me, and I don’t want that, either, really.

It’s not long before I hear a knock on the door.

“Go away.” I tell him.

“Gracie…” Alexei starts to speak, but I won’t let him.

“Don’t call me that.” I snap.

“Why not?” He asks, and I can hear the laughter in his voice. Even with a closed door between us, I can see him fighting a small smile that’s threatening to grow, because maybe he does know this is serious but I’m just so funny.

“Because I’m mad at you.” I know I probably sound petulant and childlike and that’s probably not helping my case but I don’t care.

“Come on, Gracie.” His voice is cajoling. When I refuse to respond, he knocks again. “Gracie, open the door.”

“Leave me alone.” What I want right now is to open the door and for Alexei to apologize and kiss me again but I tell myself that’s not going to happen so I stay on the bed, glaring at the wall opposite the door. I tell myself I’m just Jamie’s little sister and I repeat it like a mantra. I’ll keep repeating it until it doesn’t hurt anymore, because I don’t want to feel like this. I never wanted to feel like this, and I hate myself for it and I hate Alexei a little bit, too.

“Please, Grace.” His voice is soft and, well, pleading, so I roll over.

I plan on only opening the door a crack, but Alexei is ready for that. As soon as I turn the handle, he pushes the door open all the way and steps into the room. He takes my face in his hands and for one heart-stopping moment I think he actually is going to kiss me again, but instead he leans his forehead against mine.

“I’m sorry, Grace.” His voice is still soft and his accent is stronger that usual. I think I know why, but I don’t want to hope. I want to take the feelings that make me want to hope, lock them in a box, and melt the key.

Instead, I meet his eyes like a challenge and somehow manage to fold my arms across my chest in the little space he’s left between us. “What are you going to do about it?”

This startles a laugh out of him. “What should I do about it?” He pulls back to give me a teasing smile, but he doesn’t take his hands from my face.

“You tell me.” My heart is pounding in my ears for reasons entirely different from the ones I’ve grown used to but I’m still a little mad at him, and I’m definitely not ready to just let him off the hook.

A look crosses his face almost like he’s steeling himself to dive into cold water, or he’s about to jump off a cliff, and my heart picks up its pace. He kisses me, hesitantly, tenderly, briefly. “I’m sorry.” He whispers, so close that I can feel his breath on my lips. He kisses me again, still almost as if he’s afraid something, maybe me, will break if he’s not careful, and again he says, “I’m sorry.” He kisses me a third time, and this time I’m ready, kissing him back when his lips meet mine. This time, he feels less scared. “I am sorry, Gracie.” He looks me in the eye as he says it, and I can see emotions neither of us are ready to name behind his too blue eyes.

“Shut up.” I tell him, and I’m still smiling when he kisses me again, moving his hands to rest on my waist as I drape my arms over his shoulders.

Again, it’s Alexei who ends the kiss, pulling me closer and tucking my head under his chin. “You are not just Jamie’s little sister, Grace. You’re not just anything.” He whispers this last part into my hair and rests his cheek on the top of my head.

We stand like that for a while, until I’ve almost fallen asleep leaning against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, slow and steady. When Alexei finally steps back, I sway a little on my feet without his support. He eyes me accusingly, but he’s still smiling, just a little.

“You didn’t get any sleep, did you?” It’s not a question, and he doesn’t wait for an answer before he scoops me up and carries me to the bed.

“That was so unnecessary.” I grumble as I turn, pulling the lone pillow on the bed toward me.

“I know.” I can hear a wicked grin in Alexei’s voice as he leaves.

He returns with the blanket from the back of the couch. He lays it over me and tucks me in, something else that’s unnecessary, but I don’t complain. If I’m honest, I kind of like it, and I’m tired enough not to mind being taken care of just this once. I snuggle into the blanket and make appreciative noises without actually saying anything.

“Sleep now.” It’s an order that, for once, I’m happy to obey. “I’ll wake you when Dominic is here.”

I nod in compliance, and as I listen to the sound of Alexei leaving the room and closing the door softly behind him, I sink into a more restful sleep than I’ve had in a long time.


End file.
